72 Hours of The Labour Party: Did They Really Do That?!

Well, it looks like the country has decided it’s time for a change – and by change, we mean swapping the blue ties for red ones. After years of Conservative rule, Labour’s victory feels like that moment when you finally find the TV remote after an intense search. There’s a sense of relief, anticipation, and then utter disappointment when you find out there’s nothing on the TV to watch. But hey, at least we’re ready for the next season of “Politicians vs. The Public!”

The Labour Party stormed into the House of Commons with 411 seats, which is a stunning 209-seat gain from the 2019 election. It’s like the team that was previously stuck in the minor leagues just got promoted to the Premier League, and they’re here to make some big changes. Meanwhile, the Conservatives are left watching from the sidelines with just 121 seats—a dramatic drop of 244 from their previous 365 seats. It’s the political equivalent of being demoted from your corner office to a desk in the basement!

The Liberal Democrats had a pretty good night too, with a 61-seat gain bringing them up to a total of 72 seats. It’s like they were the surprise wildcard in this election’s reality show.

The Results in a Nutshell:

Day 1: The Morning After the Night Before

Or as it turns out, in this case, it’s more like the same day that never really ended. After an exhilarating and exhausting election night, Labour’s newly crowned MPs were still buzzing with adrenaline and possibly a bit of sleep deprivation as the first light of dawn crept into Westminster.

Keir Starmer, having barely had a wink of sleep (and probably still wearing the same suit from the victory speech—hey, it’s a long night!), made his way to Buckingham Palace for the traditional audience with the King. There, amidst a flurry of formalities and the occasional yawn, he received the royal nod to form a new government. It was like the political equivalent of being handed the keys to the kingdom, but with fewer crowns and more paperwork!

Following this royal rendezvous, Starmer made his way to his new humble abode, 10 Downing Street. Picture him arriving like a triumphant superhero in a suit, walking through iconic black door as if he’s entering the set of a new drama series. The scene was straight out of a historical reenactment, but with a modern twist—more selfies and fewer powdered wigs.

“We are here to reset the country,” Starmer proclaimed, standing at the entrance of his new home like a proud parent showing off a new baby. His speech was a mix of hope and determination, setting the stage for the ambitious plans he had promised. There were grand promises about healthcare, education, and economic reform, delivered with the kind of enthusiasm that only comes from someone who’s just realised they have to stick around for the sequel to the election drama.

After he spoke, the first batch of senior Labour MPs began their grand parade up the famous street. Each one entered through the big black door with a blend of excitement and the kind of nervous energy usually reserved for the first day at a new school. You could almost hear the collective deep breath of “We’ve made it—now let’s not mess it up!” as they crossed the threshold.

And then there was Angela Rayner…

Ah yes, Angela Rayner’s choice of outfit was the talk of the morning. After being up for what must have been 24 hours straight, her wardrobe choice was a bit like a pop quiz that she hadn’t quite studied for. She emerged in a suit that can only be described as an uncanny resemblance to the Hasbro Series 4 Ted Dibiase figurine. Yes, that’s right – she was dressed like the infamous “Million Dollar Man” action figure, complete with the eye-catching, almost neon, hue.

Here's the look:

A bright turquoise suit that seemed to have been designed with the sole purpose of catching every eye in the room. It’s like she walked into the fabric store and said, “Give me the loudest color you’ve got!” One could only wonder if her husband had been asleep through the chaos or if they had a “Who dares wins” attitude to fashion choices.

We won’t be too harsh, though—after all, who among us hasn’t had a fashion mishap after a sleepless night?

Later on that day we found out who was in the famous government cabinet, which included some unexpected names. You can see the full list on the link below:

https://labour.org.uk/about-us/the-cabinet/

There were some surprising names left out, such as Ms Thornberry, Shadow Women and Equalities Secretary, and Party Chairwoman Anneliese Dodds, as well as Shadow Minister Without Portfolio Nick Thomas-Symonds. In an interesting twist, a peerage has been given to former government chief scientific adviser Patrick Vallance to become a science minister in the new government. James Timpson has also received a peerage and been appointed prisons minister. Timpson, the current CEO of the Timpson Group, is known for his policy of employing ex-offenders across its UK watch and shoe repair chain. Rumors suggest neither Lord Vallance nor Lord Timpson will attend cabinet.

A very interesting appointment that stood out to us was the appointment of Anneliese Dodds, who was given the role of Minister for Women and Equalities. This raised quite a few eyebrows, including those of British author J.K. Rowling, who took to X previously known as Twitter and dubbed past comments made by Anneliese Dodds on gender as "nonsensical" after she was announced as the Minister for Women and Equalities. After Dodds was appointed to the role, Rowling tweeted part of a transcript from an interview Ms. Dodds had done on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour in 2022, especially considering her previous gaffe on Woman's Hour, where she struggled to define what a woman is. Shockingly, she said "woman" can mean "all kinds of things." It seems like the first order of business for her might be to consult a dictionary—or perhaps a magic 8-ball—for some much-needed clarity.

Who knew the definition of ‘woman’ could be such a mystery? Maybe she can hold a national poll: ‘What’s a Woman? Survey Says…’

Day 2: Weekend Revelations - Labour’s Cabinet Meeting

The cabinet got together for their very first meeting, and Keir Starmer couldn't resist posting a photo on X of them all grinning like cats that got the cream. It's a picture-perfect moment of unity and optimism, but I can't help but wonder what really went down behind those doors.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in that meeting. The possibilities are endless! Were they brainstorming new and inventive ways to tax us? A "sigh surcharge" for every time we exhale in frustration? A "yawn tariff" for those mid-meeting stretches? Or perhaps an "emission charge" that makes us pay every time we let one rip? The mind boggles.

And let's not forget the hot topic that might have needed a full cabinet discussion: defining what a woman is. Given past gaffes, it's entirely plausible that they needed all hands on deck for that one. Ten heads are better than one, right?

Oh, the joys of new governance—always keeping us on our toes and making our wallets just a bit lighter. Stay tuned, because with this crew, anything is possible, and nothing is off the table.

Whilst Labour was celebrating their victory and diving headfirst into their grand plans of achieving net zero, smashing the small boat gangs (we’ve heard that promise more times than we can count), and Keir finally regaling his peers with tales of the tools his dad made, the Tories were having a bit of a meltdown. Rishi Sunak was left trying to figure out what went wrong as the majority they won in the last election slipped away faster than Matt Hancock's trousers in his lockdown love affair.

You almost had to feel for them as the big names took to social media, dramatically lamenting their lost seats in the wee hours of Friday morning and it felt like the perfect moment for the world’s tiniest violin to make a cameo. Because, of course, it wasn’t the Tories’ fault they lost their seats—no, it was all the fault of former European parliament villian Mr. Farage and his so-called ‘far-right’ party wreaking havoc across the country.

Day 3: Keir's Cross-Country Charm Offensive - The UK Tour Begins!

Keir Starmer left a very drizzly and dull Westminster to embark on a whirlwind tour of the four nations, with The PM hoping his visits to Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland will signal a "reset in relations" between Westminster and the devolved administrations. with his first stop being Scotland. Arriving in Edinburgh, he was set to meet the Scottish First Minister, John Swinney. One can't help but wonder if the PM indulged in some local flavors with an Irn-Bru in one hand and a plate of haggis in the other. After all, what better way to kick off a charm offensive than by embracing the culinary quirks of the land? And let's be honest, we all know one topic that definitely didn't come up—football. Can you imagine the awkward silence?

The New ‘Mother’ and ‘Father’ of the House

Whilst Keir was off on his grand tour of the UK nations—likely discussing how much gel he uses in that silver quiff and charming our neighbors into believing that Labour's plans are all about progress rather than plunder—we were back in the UK watching the announcement of who would be the new ‘Mother’ and ‘Father’ of the House of Commons.

And the results are in!

Drumroll, please… The title of Mother of the House goes to Diane Abbott! Yes, you heard that right—Diane Abbott, who has managed to collect more blunders over her decades in politics than a clumsy magician collects failed tricks. She’s been in the game since 1987, making headlines for everything from forgotten facts to some seriously eyebrow-raising statements. Now, she’s stepping into the role of Mother of the House, ready to offer guidance from her front-row seat—hopefully with a little more grace than she’s shown in the past!

And let’s not forget Sir Edward Leigh, who was crowned the Father of the House. With his deep voice and long tenure, you could almost picture him as the wise old owl of Parliament, here to impart sage advice and perhaps a few dad jokes. It’s a bit like appointing a history professor and a rockstar to co-chair a symposium on the ancient world—one brings the wisdom, the other the memorable (and sometimes questionable) highlights!

So there we have it: Diane Abbott, the political veteran with a blunder list that rivals War and Peace, and Sir Edward Leigh, the seasoned statesman with more experience than your average vintage car. Here’s to their new roles—may they navigate the choppy waters of Parliament with as much flair as they’ve shown over the years!

Elsewhere on this Very Busy Sunday

Meanwhile, back in the thick of it, Defence Secretary John Healey was already making headlines by meeting with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Talk about hitting the ground running! The Labour government wasted no time in making a bold new pledge to support Ukraine with a fresh package of aid. So, what’s in this impressive care package, you ask?

Well, hold on to your hats because it includes:

• A quarter of a million rounds of 50 calibre ammunition: Because you can never have too many bullets, right?

• 90 anti-armour Brimstone missiles: For those times when you really need to make a bang!

• 50 small military boats: Perfect for the next big naval showdown!

• 40 de-mining vehicles: Just in case someone forgot to clear the battlefield.

• 10 AS-90 artillery guns: For when a little firepower just isn’t enough.

• 61 bulldozers: To help build defensive positions or perhaps for the ultimate game of "build a bunker!"

• Support for previously gifted AS-90s: Because it’s not just about giving, but also about maintaining those past gifts.

All of this has been said to be delivered to Ukraine within the first 100 days of the Labour government’s reign. It’s almost as if the plan is to end the war by adding more arms into the mix—because nothing says “peace” like escalating the arms race, right? Oh, the good old Western world—where the solution to conflict is often to send in more weaponry!

Meanwhile, Yvette Cooper’s New Job: Rebranding 101

Back in the UK, Home Secretary Yvette Cooper was ready to dive into her new role with all the enthusiasm of a contestant on a game show. Her first big move? Launching the Border Security Command (BSC)—a name so grand you’d think she was starting a new James Bond film rather than rebranding an old idea!

Here’s the kicker: the BSC is essentially the Border Force with a new logo and a snazzier title. It’s like taking your grandma’s knitting club, calling it “The Grand Knitters of Destiny,” and pretending you’ve invented a new way to make sweaters. Yvette’s playbook seems to be “When in doubt, just add ‘Command’ to the name and hope no one notices you’re recycling old strategies!”

To fund this new venture, Yvette has cleverly diverted £75 million from the now-cancelled Rwanda scheme. Yes, you read that right—no more “send them to Rwanda” plans, just a good old-fashioned budget shuffle! It’s like breaking up with your gym to pay for a brand-new exercise bike you don’t use.

Yvette’s big promise? To “strengthen Britain’s border security and smash the criminal smuggling gangs making millions out of small boat crossings.” Sounds intense, doesn’t it? The real highlight of her plan is the urgent need to recruit an “exceptional leader” for the BSC. I wonder if the job ad will be on Indeed? “High wages for minimal effort—perfect for those who enjoy the thrill of managing an old scheme with a new name!”

So here’s to Yvette’s grand new venture: the BSC. If it’s half as effective as it is rebranded, we might just see a new era of border security—or at least a lot of fancy new stationery!

As the weekend drew to a close, it felt like one big Labour fan zone—an endless celebration where every news channel was practically bursting with glee over Keir Starmer and his new team of, let’s call them “gender-identity adventurers.” It was as if Labour had just won the most epic game of musical chairs ever, and the media was stuck in a never-ending victory lap!

Meanwhile, on X (formerly Twitter), the scene was a digital rollercoaster. The left was still basking in the afterglow of victory, though some were almost still too upset about something they didn't like to celebrate properly. The Tories, on the other hand, was drowning in their sorrows, struggling to come to terms with their massive defeat.

And amidst the tears and turmoil, there was a sliver of hope for common sense politics as Reform UK won five seats.  An absolute triumph in a sea of disappointment, like finding a lone gold coin in a fountain of pennies. It wasn’t much, but it was a start as they prepared for the long road ahead.

And breathe...

Well done for surviving the first 72 hours of a Labour government! You’ve braved the media excitement, the fashion mishaps, and the grand rebranding of recycled policies as shiny new initiatives. Now brace yourself for the next 43,728 hours of Labour’s reign, where we’ll see more policy shake-ups, political drama, and maybe even a few more moments that will have you wondering, “What on earth are they up to now?”

Best of luck out there—you’ll definitely need it!